The End
by Sweetheart From Hell
Summary: The End 'Verse, following Cas' path to becoming Cas from 5.04, starts with two chapters a bit "into" the story, and then goes back to when Sam says yes, and goes on from there. Not slash. ANGST. M for sex, drinking & drugs. Pairings Cas/OCs.CURRENTLY BEING RE-WORKED AND REPOSTED AT A03 UNDER THE NAME "How To Break An Angel"!
1. Overdose

**This is the story about how Castiel, Angel of the Lord, became Cas á la 2014, from 5.04, The End.**

**This first chapter takes place late winter 2012.**

**Warnings are angst and possibly attempted suicide.**

**Enjoy!**

Someone bangs on the door.

"Cas?" Cas lazily opens his eyes and glances towards the door, and finds that his mouth can't form a coherent reply, so his eyes drift shut again, ignoring the continued pounding. "Cas? Cas, what the hell?" Cas wonders if he should be annoyed at the pounding, and Dean's shouts, but discovers he doesn't care, he just wants to sleep…

The door bangs open, and Cas feels himself drifting deeper into darkness, _comfort_…

"_You stupid son of a bitch!" Dean leaps across the room and snatches up the empty pill bottle. "Morphine? All of it?" He tosses it away and slaps Cas, hard. "Cas!" Cas' eyelids flutters and he murmurs something Dean can't make any sense of. "Cas!" Dean slaps him again and tugs him into upright position by the collar. Cas' head lolls onto one shoulder and he is frighteningly limp in Dean's grip. "Cas!" Another slap. Then he drags Cas a little bit so he was leaning on the wall, and crosses the room to close the door. He doesn't want the others to see this; it still feels like Cas is _his_ problem, for some reason._

_He feels a cold ball of fear forming when he sees how shallowly Cas seems to be breathing, but Cas doesn't seem totally out of it, so it couldn't have been _that_ long since he downed the pills, right? _Right_?_

_He goes back to Cas and shakes him without much response. He holds Cas' head upright and lifts an eyelid, pinpoint pupil way too obvious in the relatively dim light._

"_Cas, damnit", he mutters. Cas slumps sideways and Dean feels the knot of cold fear coil and twist. Once again he hauls Cas upright, this time to his feet to drag him to the cabin's small sink._

Cas feels like he should struggle, Dean's disturbing him when it feels so good, he wants to keep drifting away, it felt so calm… But he has no strength for it, his stomach lurches uncomfortably, and can't help being dragged to his feet and bent over the sink… His weak, flopping movements only seemed to make Dean even moredetermined_._

_After unceremoniously shoving two fingers down Cas' throat and making him puke out as much of the pills as possible, gotten him to drink some water and repeating the procedure a few times, roughly splashing water in Cas' face in between, Dean thinks he seems to be coming around a bit. At least enough to turn his head away when Dean tries to make him drink more._

"_No…" he mumbles, and Dean lets out a breath he didn't know he'd held. He puts the water glass away and shifts out of the uncomfortable position of holding a limp Cas upright at the sink. Instead he carefully sets himself and Cas down, and Cas' eyes flutters open as his head falls back onto Dean's thigh._

Cas feels terrible. All the soft darkness is gone, the promise of sleeping bliss… he still feels sick and his throat is raw and aching after puking so many times, and Dean hadn't exactly been gentle with his fingers. And his mouth tastes of vomit and bile and pills…

He opens his eyes, looking straight into Dean's. It's a little bit blurry, but he's fairly sure he sees relief in Dean's face for a moment, though it promptly changes into fury.

"You stupid son of a bitch!" Dean raises his hand but doesn't seem to know what to do with it, and settles with rubbing it over his face. "What the hell were you doing? Cas?"

_He hates how his throat closes up and his eyes burn, why does he want to cry? The relief that Cas would live quickly gives way to anger as he notices Cas becoming more alert._

"_Goddamnit, Cas, what were you trying to do?" He hauls them to their feet, and Cas makes a gagging noise at the sudden movement, but doesn't seem to have anything more to throw up, so he just hangs his head, still leaning almost completely limply on Dean. "Were you trying to off yourself, huh?" Dean accuses as he drags Cas to the bed and laying him on it just slightly more gently than his tone suggests. "Were you?" He stares accusingly at Cas, whose eyes are only half open. Dean almost misses his mumbled reply._

"_Dunno…"_

He really doesn't. Yes. No. Maybe. There was no conscious plan, he just… took some pills. And it felt good. So he took some more… and then…

"Don't know? You don't know, Cas? Then what the hell was this?" Dean's almost shouting now, and Cas wishes he'd be quiet so he could sleep. He's still so tired; maybe he could catch a little bit of peace…

"Sleep…" Every word is so hard to form, and he closes his eyes. Dean can be angry, when isn't he angry with Cas these days?

He gets a shock when Dean brutally jerks him into sitting position again.

"Oh Hell no, you won't. I'm not going to let you die because you fall asleep _now_."

_Castiel protests weakly at his rough treatment, but Dean is relentless._

"_Can you stand?" Cas mumbles something that could be interpreted as a 'maybe', and Dean hauls him to his feet. He catches Cas when his knees buckle, but refuses to drag him over to the sink this time. Instead he just steadies him up, but makes sure he crosses the room in an at least kind of straight path. "Wash your mouth", he suggests, and Cas staggers and almost falls over the sink. Dean catches him with an arm around the chest, though something in him wants to just let go, leave the cabin, leave Cas once and for all._

_As Cas rinses out his mouth and splashes water on his face, all while Dean's holding him from collapsing, Dean can't think why he cares anymore. Why he bothers. Cas has changed, has changed so much in the past two years. The women he understands, the booze he gets too, but the drugs, it's too much, too much for Dean to handle seeing his friend constantly high, or drunk, or both._

_When Cas makes an attempt to straighten up Dean helps him, wondering how to keep him awake for the next hours._

"_Cas, man, what – what were you thinking?" He pulls Cas' arm over his shoulder and starts walking._

First Cas hopes they're heading towards the bed, but while he tries to form a reply he realizes that is not the case.

"It…" He pauses, takes a breath, talking and walking feels too much. Dean seems to get it, because he stops, too. "It – it felt…" Cas squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, missing the feeling. "… it felt good." He is so tired… why can't Dean just let him sleep?

But no, endless circles around the cabin's only room, occasionally a few minutes rest on a chair. Although he's still tired, it feels easier and easier to form coherent sentences. Dean doesn't speak much, though. Doesn't ask more. And Cas wonders why, or even if, he cares, but if he doesn't, why is he doing this? It would have been so easy to walk away. Sure as hell Cas would have walked away from himself.

After what feels like, and probably is, hours, Dean finally stops and dumps Cas onto the bed. To his own surprise he doesn't immediately retreat into lying position. Dean drags a weary hand over his face.

"Alright, Cas, I think you're good." Cas laughs aloud.

"No, Dean, I _was_ good."

_Dean's anger, dulled from the monotony of their endless circles around the room, instantly flares up again._

"_So you think that was good, huh? That I shoulda left you like that?" The way Cas slowly lies back down without answering speaks volumes, and Dean throws his hands into the air, wanting punch something, hold onto something, anything… he roughly combs through his hair with his fingers instead and still doesn't know what to do with his hands. "Well, don't you _ever_ do this again. 'Cause I won't do this again. You – what you've become… you –" The blue eyes that meets his almost remind him of the way they used to look, so serious, so... solemn._

"_Because what I have become isn't worth saving." Dean pulls in a breath and feels like Cas just punched him. Conflicting parts of him yell different things inside his head, but he finds he can't deny what Cas just said. This… what happened… it just proved it._

"_Why should I save you if I can't trust you, Cas?"_

The words cut deeply, just like he knows Dean intended, though he knows he deserves them. He looks away, can't bear to meet those eyes anymore. He can read anger, hurt, and confusion in them, and wishes he could knew what Dean was thinking as easily as he once could.

He closes his eyes, can't figure out a reply to the question, because he can't bring himself to actually say '_you shouldn't'_, because Dean would have no choice but to agree, either in words or silence.

Cas knows he's a disappointment to his friend, if he can call him that anymore. Dean has so many reasons not to care, not to bother with him anymore, and Cas believes that after this… he is alone. That Dean has given up on him, completely.

He hears Dean walk away, and feels tears leak out of his closed eyes as the door closes. By saving his life, Dean made sure Cas really lost him.

He lifts his hands, pressing the palms to his eyes. The tears are finally running free, and the sobs wracking his body makes his throat ache even more.

And he cries until he falls asleep, wondering if it's worth it. If there's some way to make Dean feel he didn't waste this day.

His last thought before sleep finally claims him is that there isn't. That he really isn't worth saving. Castiel might have been, but never Cas, this… weak human. How could Dean ever really have cared about him anyway?

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

"As long as you're here, so will I be." The language, oddly formal for him these days, seems more like Castiel than Cas, but it seems strangely fitting. A vow of allegiance, binding him until Dean's death,

_Oh please, let it not be soon, let it be soon so I am free_

a promise that yesterday won't be repeated. He won't do it again, as long as Dean is alive. However long that will be, with their _fearless leader_ taking risks like he's been doing ever since Sam

_The angels, my brothers and sisters_

left. But somehow he can feel that Dean's fate is not yet played out. And he curses himself for making the promise, but when Dean briefly looks at him, looking him into the eye, saying

"Good."

Cas knows he can never take it back, that despite not having been a good friend in too long, there is still some loyalty to Dean left.

_I won't leave, Dean, I still care about you. I'll follow you to the end, you deserve at least that._

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	2. Angels leaving

**Well, this obviously takes place before the two others, and it's the night when Sam says 'Yes' and the angels leave. Whichever year that is, I'm still guessing sometime 2011.**

Castiel feels it, feels it when it happens, knows the moment when Sam gives up and says that fateful '_yes_' to the Devil. And the moment after Lucifer takes over his one true vessel, Castiel stumbles to his knees, clutching his chest, feeling white-hot pain searing through him; and he hears an endless repetition of

_Goodbye, Castiel, Goodbye, Castiel, Goodbye Castiel Goodbye Castiel GoodbyeCastielGoodbyeCastiel_

and he can't stop the screams of agony ripping from his throat. Every tiny part of him feels it, feels them leaving, leaving him behind. He rocks back and forth, still kneeling on the ground, not remembering where he was going, what he was doing. His cheeks are wet, and after a while the screams die into an endless litany

_no no no no no no no please no_

and hoarse sobs.

"Cas! Cas, what the hell!" Dean skids to his knees next to the angel, putting a concerned hand on his shoulder. "Cas, what's wrong?" And Cas pulls in a shaky breath and looks up at the Righteous Man, knowing that nothing really matters anymore.

"They're gone, Dean." His voice is hoarse, unsteady, and for the first time, he looks away from Dean's eyes before he speaks. "Sam… Sam said yes." Dean shouts something that could be a no, but Cas hardly hears him, doesn't notice how the hand is dropped from his shoulder. "And then the angels left." And he knows Dean didn't hear the whispered words, they weren't for him anyway. Cas looks back at Dean, and sees him kneeling on the ground, eyes staring emptily in front of him.

And Cas feels how his grace has started to… seep away, diminish, but he can still read Dean Winchester as an open book. And he can see the pain in Dean's eyes, reflected in every feature, the ways his hands clench at his sides, and he can _feel_ it, radiating from the other man. Feel the pain, and it takes a moment to realize that he's feeling it too, that what they feel must largely be the same.

"Dean", he whispers, reaching out. "I know." Dean looks at him, confused, but doesn't shrug away Cas' hand on his shoulder, but leans into it, and Cas can see his eyes brimming with tears. "My brothers… left too." Dean nods slowly, then he gets up and brushes away the tears with an angry movement.

"Guess we're screwed then. You coming?" Cas gets up too, wondering how long it'll take before Dean breaks, before someone or something gets hurt, because he knows that look. That Dean will act like everything's fine, until he just can't do it anymore.

_Why did you leave me behind?_

Before he follows Dean into the house, the throws a glance towards the sky, not expecting an answer. He is not disappointment. Silence has replaced the steady whisper of his brothers' voices, and he knows that

_this is how loneliness feels_

it's only a question on time before the grace he already feels trickling away will be completely gone.

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	3. The Impala

**This is set about a week after the last piece, when Sam said 'yes' and the angels left. Cas is basically human, and he and Dean are on their way to Camp Chitaqua for the first time.**

**Warnings? Well, angst. Dean breaking apart after bottling up his feelings after Sam's 'yes', and Cas trying to comfort. Though it's not h/c, just angst. So be warned.**

**Enjoy and review!**

Cas is correct in that his grace does trickle away, fast. He's lost pretty much every angelic ability within a week, and the pain is… unbearable. It's not physical anymore, but more like a terrible emptiness, a silence so complete that it feels like he is drowning in it.

He is also correct about when Dean finally can't hold the feelings about Sam in anymore, something does get hurt. Fortunately enough it's not a person, but still Cas feels that what happens is more significant than if Dean had ended up punching someone.

They're driving, because Chuck called them and said that some people had gathered in a place called Camp Chitaqua, people who'd seen the signs of the apocalypse first hand, and often lost some loved ones to it. Chuck thought that Dean should check it out, it seemed like it could be a good base camp.

So Dean almost drags Cas to the car, forcing him to give up staring at the wall, and when Cas is safely deposited in the passenger seat, Dean starts driving, and dumps a map in Cas' lap and tells him that the road is marked, and it's his responsibility to see that they take the right turns. Cas just nods, but does his job, when Dean seems unsure which way they are supposed to take.

It happens when they're close. Very close. There's a sharp rock on the road, or glass, or whatever, but suddenly one of the Impala's tyres goes flat and before Dean can react the car swerves off the road, into the forest, through the fence, and she scrapes against a tree hard enough to make Dean's door's hinges give out. When they stop, the door falls off.

For some eternally long moments, Dean sits absolutely still, clenching the wheel, knuckles going white from the force. And Cas does nothing but look at him, feeling that something's about to happen.

When Dean steps out of the car, Cas follows him, and the constant empty pain he feels almost gives away for compassion for his friend. Dean stands perfectly still with a hand on the Impala's roof, and Cas can see tears in his eyes, one runs down his cheek, then another one, and suddenly Dean turns around and punches the tree that ripped the door loose as hard as he can. And then he's on his knees, punching the tree, punching the ground, and howling with grief, sobbing aloud.

Cas stands at the other side of the car, at a loss of what to do. What do humans

_I'm one too now_

want in this state? Does Dean want and need comfort, or should he be left alone. Cas feels tears rise in his own eyes, his own pain returning in full, mingling with the compassion for Dean.

After a while, Dean stops hitting everything in range, and slumps on the ground, head cradled in his hands, shoulders still shaking from heart wrenching sobs. Some

_human_

instinct tells Cas that _now_ Dean needs comfort. He knows that he can't give Dean what he wants the most, that Sam won't come back, but what he can do is to show Dean that even though he's

_useless_

basically human now, he is still Dean's friend, that he'll still do anything for him. So he steps around the car and kneels next to Dean, putting a tentative hand on his shoulder.

"Dean?" No reply, just louder sobbing, which confuses Cas, but he shuffles a little closer to put his arm around Dean's shoulder, expecting to be rejected, because this is probably what Dean usually would call a 'chick flick moment', but instead Dean leans into the touch, burying his face in Cas' shirt, wetting it with tears. Instinctively Cas puts his arms around his friend, hugging him, stroking his back with small circles like he's seen other humans do when they're comforting someone. "Dean?" He doesn't really expect an answer, but even though the words are muffled by the way Dean clings to him, words start to spill out.

"It's – it's Sammy – he's g-gone, I mi-miss-ss him, I – I never shoulda le-let him go-o, and – I – I wish I could – could go back and f-fix things, but I can't, Cas." He raises his head, eyes meeting Cas'. "And you, here, human." Fresh tears pour out, though the sobbing has mostly stop. "It's my fault, Cas, that you didn't leave with them." It startles Cas, that Dean blames himself for this

_but he does have a point_

when Cas chose to rebel, that Dean never forced him

_but he_ is _the reason_

to do anything.

"It wasn't your fault."

I don't think I ever lied to him before

For a while, they're silent. Then Dean gets up and opens the Impala's trunk, grabbing all their necessary stuff, and as much of the rest that they can carry.

"Let's go, we're basically at the camp." His voice is just a little bit hoarse, but hard as flint, and Cas flinches slightly, knowing that the words also means 'we're _never_ going to talk about this, not to anyone'. But Cas nods and lifts what Dean told him to carry.

And he feels cold when Dean leaves the Impala behind without a second glance, and Cas knows, even without his angelic powers, that Den won't ever fix that car again, like he's done so many times.

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	4. Alcohol

A few months pass by. They move to the camp, setting up a proper base there, just like Chuck suggested. Dean, Cas and Bobby. Chuck comes too. Dean refuses to mention the absence of Sam, which is on everyone's minds in the beginning.

And then there are the survivors, the twelve refugees who first took up residence here. Cas admires them for deciding to fight back without… anything really. No real weapons, no training. It changes now though, because Dean brought the arsenal previously kept in the Impala, and he resolutely starts training them, Cas included, determined that they'll at least learn to shoot reasonably straight. Then they'll have to go on a raid for more weapons.

They discover that the camp has four cars, all huge Jeeps, apparently they've discarded all the 'useless' cars, Cas' heart twinges when his mind flickers past the image of the Impala broken and abandoned in the woods, but Dean seems to be a shadow of pleased at this. He just seems to be a shadow of everything nowadays, except when he's taking charge of something. And he drinks. He always keeps his flask on him, only completely sober when his duties require it. When Cas confronts him about it, after a month and a half in the camp, it's late at night and they're sitting together in Dean's cabin, drinking together.

Cas is a little bit drunk, and he can see that Dean is getting there too. But, Cas is drunk and suddenly frowns, so this is what Dean feels every day, pretty much? What he wants? And he's heard humans talk about people who drink every day, and it's considered a bad thing.

"Dean?" Dean grunts, confirming that he listens, though he keeps staring at the table. "Why do you drink so much? It can't be good for you." Dean looks up.

"Why not? When I don't need to focus on saving those peoples' asses –" He makes a sweeping motion with his arm, meaning the survivors in the camp, "– I'd rather forget. And this –" He refills their glasses, "– helps me to do it. A little bit." Yeah, he's drunk. Cas can hear it on the way he talks, and why he doesn't close up like a clam when Cas brings up an uncomfortable subject. Cas nods, not knowing what to say, mulling Dean's words over carefully. Dean downs his whiskey. "It's getting late, Cas, and we'll do a supply run tomorrow. We should try to get some sleep." Cas swirls his whiskey in the glass for a moment, then downing it.

"Goodnight, Dean." He returns to his cabin, still contemplating Dean's words, and when he's in his bed, he realizes that Dean's right. It helps you forget a little, dulls the pain. He actually understands why Dean does it now.

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

The next day, they do a supply run into a nearby town, and among the places they raid is a few convenience stores for canned for and noodles, a pharmacy for antibiotics and painkillers and other useful things, and a liquor store.

The loot is considerable, and they don't run into that many croats, and the ones they do run into are quickly shot down, before they're even close.

They also acquire another truck, which together with two others found and taken the last month, their caravan is now consisting of seven cars. When Dean turns his back to Cas to inspect the new truck, Cas sneaks away a bottle of whiskey for himself. One bottle can't matter much, right? Half of the rest will probably be downed by Dean and Bobby anyway.

When they've come back to the camp and unloaded their loot, Cas goes to his cabin with his 'personal loot', which has been decided that everyone can have a backpack of. Some items are not allowed there though, like medication stronger than aspirin and alcohol. Before Cas puts the whiskey in the cupboard he looks at the bottle, the label is blue and it's called Jim Beam, opens it and takes a long swallow. It burns.

At the dinner, one glass of wine is served to everyone, as celebration for a successful supply run without any casualties. As dessert, they get canned peaches with spray cream. Cas pokes miserably at his dessert plate, the others' apparent, maybe not _joy_, but some kind of subdued version of it, almost makes him angry, but mostly sad. He remembers when the world was still beautiful, when he was still and angel, when the Heavenly Host constantly sang in his head… He wants to cry. He looks at Dean, who talks with one of the women of the camp, and Cas remembers a time when Dean… wasn't like this. When Sam was still Sam…

He pushes his plate away and gets up, goes back to his cabin and the whiskey. It's time to try Dean's remedy to every kind of non-physical pain.

That night, he drinks himself senseless for the first time. He discovers that Dean's right, when everything's spinning and he can't see straight, it doesn't hurt so much, it dulls the pain enough for him to like it…

He's halfway through the bottle when he's stomach suddenly lurches unpleasantly. Some human instinct makes him stumble to the sink and he throws up, tears leaking down his cheeks, and for a second he thinks that _at least nothing else matters right now_, and then he wakes up in his bed without any idea of how he got there.

His head hurts, his stomach feels almost as bad as last night, all his limbs feel so heavy… he almost throws up again when he feels the taste of his mouth. Water, he thinks, crawling out of bed, grabbing one of the bottles with sparkling waters he took yesterday on the raid. He returns to the bed, unscrews the bottle's cap, drinks a bit and groans over his head and stomach feels at every movement. He lies down again, pulling the covers over his head.


	5. Kelly

**Well. This seems to turn out to be more a chronological story than a collection of oneshots. Except those two first chapters. Well, this works too, we'll see if I make adjustments later.**

**Warnings? This time I have a more serious one: THE RATING GOES UP TO M. It won't be anything overly explicit, but enough to up the rating, if only to be safe. More might/will come later on as well. So, if you don't like that, stop reading here. Otherwise? Well, Cas has started on his path to becoming, well, Cas from 5.04.**

**But, nonetheless, enjoy! **

During the following weeks, Cas keeps drinking, though in smaller doses, much like Dean does. He usually pilfers a bottle or two of something strong when they're on supply runs, and rations the booze so it'll keep him half-drunk most of the time, but still last until the next raid.

He also starts noticing the women in the camp. Becoming human brought with it some new… urges, and suddenly he starts to realize why Dean likes breasts so much, and he guesses that some… physical reactions and feelings are his body craving intimacy.

He's noticed that Dean's already slept with at least three of the women in the camp, though not the one Cas' finds himself looking at the most. She's pretty, with big breasts and long, blond hair. She's also one of the ones that's become a competent hunter in relatively short time. And when she catches him looking at her, she meets his eyes and smiles.

After two weeks of exchanging glances, Cas being too insecure to approach her more, she strikes up a conversation with him as she deliberately places herself next to him at the dinner table.

"Hey, I'm Kelly. Your name's Cas, right?" Cas nods, his mouth full. Kelly smiles. "It's a weird name. Is it a short form for anything?" Cas swallows, wondering what to answer. He feels like Castiel died when the angels left, leaving only Cas.

"It used to be a short form for Castiel." Kelly raises an eyebrow.

"That's even weirder. And what do you mean with was?" Cas looks away.

"Castiel is… gone." His tone makes it clear that he will not discuss the matter anymore. Kelly gets the hint and gives all attention to her food for a bit, before Cas realizes that he discourages her attempt to getting to know him, and he attempts to mend it. "Um… so…" He curses his awkwardness, and wishes he possessed Dean's natural charm. "You did really good on the last raid." She blushes prettily.

"Thank you." Her smile is pretty too, and Cas' body tells him that he finds all of her attractive. That she's wearing a tight tank top isn't helping the matter.

They keep up a slightly awkward conversation, and Cas has to pay attention so his gaze doesn't stray lower than her face.

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

They talk occasionally during the next few weeks, but no more than that, because Cas is too nervous and doesn't know how to… make a move. And she is probably a bit shy as well, or believes he's not interested. She couldn't be more wrong though. He finds that he thinks of her in the evenings, when he's alone in his cabin, and his body reacts to it, especially when he thinks how her body might look under the clothes… After a while he discovers that he can do something about his body's reaction himself, but somehow it's never enough, he wants to… touch her, feel her body…

And one night, after a particularly successful raid which included a liquor store, and twenty killed croats without any injuries to themselves, the whole camp celebrates, and the booze and wine and beer runs free. They can afford that, this one night, since they had one of the trucks packed full with alcohol only.

And to the tunes of an old jukebox, Cas dances with Kelly. He doesn't know how, but he'd drunk and she's drunk and somehow she's in his arms, so close he can smell her, feel the tickle of her hair on his cheek, and her breasts press against his chest, and he knows she feels that he gets hard as she presses closer to him.

Her lips almost touches his ear when she whispers, "Let's go somewhere else", and he can feel her hot breath, and he presses his hips closer to her, and he moans softly when she grinds back.

They end up going to her cabin. She lights a few scented candles she must have acquired on some raid, and puts her arms around his neck. She's just a tiny bit shorter than him, her height just perfect for kissing her if she tilts her head slightly upwards.

The kiss is a bit sloppy because of the alcohol and Cas' inexperience, but it feels oh so good, her lips and tongue are soft, and she starts unbuttoning his shirt with sure hands. He lets his hand roam over her back, through her hair, and he likes the way she shivers when he strokes the back of her neck.

When she pushes the shirt off his shoulders, he feels bold enough to tug at her tank top, and she willingly lifts her arms so he can pull it over her head. The bra she wears is black and lacy, and she laughs softly when he tries to unclasp it and fails. She does it in a second, and lets it fall to the floor.

"You're beautiful", Cas whispers as his hands slide up her sides, and then he finally, _finally_, touches the breasts he's dreamt so much about. They're soft and heavy in his hands, and he pulls her in for another kiss, pressing his hips against her, desperate for friction. His jeans feel tight and uncomfortable, and he gasps when she grinds back.

"Come", she whispers, and takes his hand, leading him towards the bed. Standing next to it, she undoes his pants, kissing him deeply.

What follows is somehow hazy for him, what he remembers the most is the incredible _pleasure_. Her hands, her mouth, when she rides him, head thrown back… the warmth of her body afterwards, when she's stretched out next to him, head on his shoulder, with her arm and a leg thrown over him.

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	6. Loss

**I think this is set sometime in August in 2011, if I'm to get the timeline to work.**

**Warnings? Angst, drinking. Nothing new there. Enjoy!**

For a little while, things are better. Cas spends most of his free time with Kelly, and he notices that human life doesn't hurt as much when he holds her at night, that sex with her makes him feel better than whiskey does, and that he loves the way his heart starts beating faster and he feels all warm inside when she slides her arms around him from behind and kisses his cheek.

He drinks less, he doesn't feel the need to, and he wonders if this is what humans mean when they say 'in love'. He more or less abandons his cabin, sleeping in Kelly's almost every night, learning more of human pleasure every night, and of a strange feeling growing in him, flaring when he holds Kelly in his arms.

For three weeks, he gets to be something close to happy. He notices Dean's surprised looks, but he doesn't seem to care much, busy with a camp that's gradually growing as they find more survivors, and trying to deal with the definite loss of Sam. If Cas wasn't so absorbed in his relationship with Kelly, he might have noticed how Dean starts to change, but he hardly notices that Dean rarely speaks to him anymore. Kelly is his world.

And then, of course, everything falls apart. Afterwards, he wonders how he could be so stupid to think that any happiness could last.

They're on a supply run, and everything goes smoothly until they're done loading the trucks. Then suddenly, the place is swarming with croats. All of them are skilled fighters, it's a requirement for coming with on a raid, but the croats are simply too _many_.

Eventually, they finish the croats. However, of the ten they were from the beginning, only five are still alive. Cas desperately looks for a blond head among the survivors, but it only takes a second to see that she's not of them.

He finds her behind one of the cars, blood staining her face and soaking her hair on the side of her that's turned upwards. Her neck is broken and her eyes wide open, eyes glazed and the life that used to sparkle in them gone.

"Kelly!" Cas drops to his knees next to her, his chest tightening. She can't be dead, please don't let her be dead! He touches her cheek, praying to a God he lost faith in long ago, hoping that somehow, _somehow_, she's still alive. "Kelly, no…" Tears well up, silently spilling down his cheeks. He gently closes her eyes and suddenly he's sobbing, gathering her body in his arms, holding her tight, never wanting to let go, still hoping for a miracle.

There isn't one. Instead somebody grabs him, forcing him to let go.

"She's dead, Cas." Dean. "Let her go. We need to get back to camp, ok?" Somewhere Cas registers that Dean's forcing his voice to be gentle, but the impatience is shining through too much to fool Cas. But he also knows that Dean is right, Kelly is gone. He gets up, lifting Kelly in the process. Dean nods towards the biggest one of the trucks. "There." Cas carries her there, knowing this is the last time he'll hold her, save when he (because he'll make sure it's him) places her on the pyre for a hunter's funeral.

The way back to the camp is blurry, Cas knows Dean tries to talk to him, but he can't register the words. It feels like his heart has been ripped out of his chest and left a big, gaping hole of misery, of grief. He thought he couldn't feel any worse than he had after he lost his last powers, but he was wrong.

He already drunk when he puts the torch to the pyre, and drinks straight from a bottle he's not supposed to have completely openly as he watches them, _her_, burn.

Dean looks at him, and Cas can see that he doesn't like what he sees, but can't bring himself to care. He lost Kelly, why should he care about anything? Why not just drown the emotions in booze?

He stands at the pyre, bottle in hand, until nothing is left but ashes. Then he slowly walks back to his cabin, feet unsteady and unable to see for drunkenness and tears.

The next day he doesn't leave his cabin, just sits at the table, drinking and staring at the wall. When Dean comes in, finally tired of knocking without answer, Cas simply doesn't reply. He just takes another swig of whiskey. After a while, Dean sighs and leaves.

After two more days, the stash Cas managed to steal is gone, and he's forced to emerge from the cabin, not planning on ending the binge and start _feeling_ again any time soon.

When he's on his way back to his cabin, Dean catches up with him, roughly grabbing his shoulder.

"Raid tomorrow, you better be sober then." Cas just continues to walk as Dean lets go.

The next day Dean comes banging on his door, but Cas is still asleep with a half empty bottle at the bed.

The next morning, Dean hauls him out of bed, dumps his remaining alcohol down the sink and tells him he'll throw him out of the camp if this doesn't stop.

"Why?" Cas shouts. "You do the same! What's the difference?"

"Not like this, damnit! I can control it, but you've let it totally out of hand! If I find you with any booze I haven't given you personally, I won't let you stay, got it?" Cas stares at him, still drunk mind struggling to comprehend what Dean's just said. "I asked, do you get what I'm saying?"

"Sure." Cas shrugs. He just wants to go back to sleep, preferably never to wake up. What does he have to live for, anyway?

**And it's now you drop a review, telling me I'm an awesome writer, ok? *****winks***


	7. Bliss

**Yes, Cas has learnt to drive sometime during the time before this chapter. Don't know exactly when it happened, but he needed it, so…**

**Warning? Drug use. Get used to it.**

She looks small and scared when he first sees her, and he assesses her age to around 18, definitely not older. Cas is the one who gets to driver her back to the camp, while the others clean up and loot the place, and despite not really caring, he tries to talk to her, since he's heard that talking helps. Or at least distracts.

"So, uh, what's your name?" he asks. She keeps looking out the window.

"Emma. You?" She looks at him briefly.

"Cas." She nods, turning her gaze back to the window. "So, uh…" She looks at him, her eyes hard.

"Look. I don't wanna talk about me. Not right now, okay?" Cas nods, fully understanding her. She looks at him more carefully. "Why are you so sad?" He startles.

"I – uh – I –" He doesn't know what to say, chest constricting as he thinks of Kelly. She looks slightly apologetic.

"Sorry. You don't have to tell. I mean… sorry." Cas blinks to get rid of the tears welling up.

"Her name was Kelly. She died a few weeks ago."

"I'm sorry."

The rest of the ride they spend in silence, and Cas only briefly points out what's what in the camp before he hands her over to Chuck so she can get a place to sleep. He doesn't count on seeing her more that day.

But later that night, someone knocks on his door, someone who doesn't knock like Dean at all. Cas contemplates just ignoring it, because he's sober and miserable and doesn't feel like seeing anybody. But since it isn't Dean, it might be important somehow, even though he gives a bitter snort of laughter at that thought.

When he opens, Emma's standing outside, hands in her pocket, looking a bit unsure.

"Um…" For some reason, he moves aside, letting her in. She looks around. "They all look the same, don't they?" Cas nods. "Uh, um… earlier, you looked like you could use something that made you feel good. You look worse now." Cas just looks at her, confused. "And, uh, I can use some too, and –" She fumbles in her pocket for a moment, then withdraws her hand holding something white and narrow. It looks like a cigarette, but not quite. He tilts his head a bit. "It's good stuff, really good. I promise you'll feel better after some."

"Alright." Cas realizes he doesn't care about exactly what it is, if it really does make him feel better. Emma nods, taking out a lighter as well. She lights the no-quite-cigarette and takes a puff, holding in the smoke for a while before breathing out.

"Ever smoked one of these before?" Cas shakes his head. "Ok, when you breath it in, you need to keep it in for a while, ok? If you breathe out right away, nothing will happen. Look." She takes another puff, handing it over to Cas, who tries to follow her example, but starts coughing after only a second or two on the first try.

He still gets high though, and when it happens, when it kicks in… it's amazing.

They lie on his bed together, squeezed tightly together on the narrow surface, and just giggle. Cas doesn't know how to describe it, but Emma just places a finger on his lips.

"You don't have to, I know." And he feels that she does, she really does. There's no need to for explanations. He looks at her, playing with her chocolate coloured hair, feeling how _soft_ it is.

"You have more of this?" She breaks down into a new giggling fit, but nods. He kisses her, because it feels right. Everything feels right, and she is small and dark where Kelly was blond and curvy, but it doesn't matter right now, because it doesn't hurt so much, and he knows Emma can make it feel even better…

He loses himself in her, in the drug, in a short time when it doesn't hurt so bad.

**Well, well. Here we go… please leave a review!**


	8. Pills

**It's 3.30AM and I can't sleep, so here's another chapter.**

**Warnings? Drugs and quite non-explicit sex.**

Emma's stash lasts for a week, she was a dealer back in her normal life, and she managed to get all her stuff with her when they found her.

She sleeps in Cas' cabin every night during that week, and they get high together and have sex during the evenings. In the days, she's practices shooting and other fighting skills with the others. Cas joins occasionally, but since he's pretty good already, there's no point in him using up ammo that could be used on croats.

When Emma runs out of pot, Cas falls back into misery and self-pitying. When he knew the evening would bring the sweet escape of drugs, he could drag himself through the days, staying sober. Now, he doesn't see the point again. When Emma tries to kiss him the first night without pot, he pushes her away. Sure, she's warm and soft and even pretty, but she isn't Kelly, and doesn't have anything else worthwhile to offer him. She looks hurt, but sighs and leaves him alone that night.

However, the next she comes by shortly after dinner, and places an orange, plastic bottle on the table.

"This'll make you feel good." She shakes out two white pills, giving them to Cas. He gets a glass of water and swallows them, hoping she's right.

They don't talk much during the following twenty minutes. Then Cas starts to feel something, a soft buzzing in his head and his body feels warm, heavy and light at the same time. He smiles, turns his face towards Emma, who also is smiling, pupils strangely small even in the soft light from the small oil lamp.

"I like this." Emma's smile grows wider.

"I knew you would." She rises from her chair and places her arms around his neck, moving close enough for their entire bodies to touch. This time, Cas doesn't turn away when she lifts her face and kisses him, first his jaw, then the corner of his mouth, and then full on the mouth, tongue swiping over his lower lip. He draws her close, then lifts her so she's sitting on the table, hungrily kissing her back.

She wraps her legs around his waist, tugging at his t-shirt. He lifts his arms and she pulls it off, then uses the moments they're not kissing to get rid of her own shirt and bra as well. Cas kisses her again, trailing kisses down her throat, to her breasts, biting her nipple lightly, making her moan.

Her hands roam his body, eventually finding their way to the waistband of his jeans.

He fucks her on the table, relishing in the high and her warmth, in her moans and whimpers of pleasure. When he can't come he gets frustrated, but Emma just smiles and says it's alright, it's the drugs, baby, it's cool. And she leads him to the bed, pushing him down so he sits on the edge and gets down on her knees in front of him, taking him into her mouth and it feels oh so good. Cas buries his fingers in her hair, if he closes his eyes he can almost pretend it's… he pushes the thought away, concentrating on the pleasure.

She's gone when he wakes up the next morning, but the orange bottle is still on the table. He takes two before he goes to grab some breakfast, and Emma smiles at him when he joins her at one of the tables.

"You really liked that, huh?" Cas nods, taking a sip of coffee. He's almost learnt to like the stuff.

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

She gives him the names of pills she likes, and asks him to smuggle in some just for them during the next pharmacy raid. He promises to try, knowing it's too risky to steal more from their medicine supply. Unless it's an emergency. And it isn't, not just yet. They won't be out for another two days, if they don't take more than two each.

And the first time it goes all according to plan, Cas is part of the group who loots some town's pharmacy and manages to find all the stuff Emma mentioned. He tucks away one bottle of each for them, putting the rest into the back that's meant for the camp's medicine stash.

During the next weeks Cas gets to try more different kinds of pills, ranging from morphine to Xanax to amphetamines. He loves it all, and though all are best suited for some certain mood, he soon discovers he'll take what he has, no matter what it is, because it takes the pain away.

**Well. My guess it that we're somewhere in September 2011 here. And Cas seems to be getting hooked… I hope you enjoyed, please leave a review! It makes more chapters come faster! *winks***


	9. Discovered

**And here we get to see a bit more of Dean. You already know all the warnings you'll probably get, so I won't repeat them again. Just enjoy!**

Two months pass before Dean notices that something's wrong. He's been busy, managing the camp, organizing raids, taking care of the new people they find, too busy to pay much attention to Cas. And Cas hasn't cared. As long as he's got his pills, he's happy. He and Emma still shares a lot, and he's gotten to know more about her. Not that he particularly cares about that, or her, either. If it wasn't for the fact that she always shares if she has something, which happens, although rarely, now when she's been deemed good enough to join the raids.

It's been snowing, and there are a few inches on snow on the ground. It's evening, and Cas and Emma just smoked their second joint of the evening. Something made them decide that it'd be a great idea to go outside and make snow angels. When Emma suggested it, Cas literally collapsed on the floor laughing, laughing at the irony, that an ex angel makes snow angels while stoned as hell. It's all so funny, he just can't, doesn't want to, take anything seriously right now. So he says, sure, let's go!, and grabs her hand, pulling her outside, both of them wearing only t-shirt and pants.

Cas feels the cold, but it doesn't bother him, as he grabs Emma around the waist, spinning her around, soon tripping and brining them both to the ground in a tangle of arms and legs. They lie there, laughing uncontrollably, for a while. Then they remember, the snow angels!

That's how Dean finds them, lying on their backs in the snow, snow angels finished around them, both without shoes and jacket and any other winter clothing.

"What the hell, Cas?" Dean demands. Cas immediately starts laughing, and Emma joins in, unable to resist.

"We – we made snow angels, Dean!" Cas chokes out, tears of laughter leaking from the corners of his eyes. Dean stares at him, disbelievingly.

"Are you stoned?" When Cas only laughs harder, Dean reaches down, unceremoniously jerking Cas to his feet. Cas grunts in surprise, but then he takes a look at Dean's face is – is just hilarious. That it also happens to be absolutely furious is another matter.

"Only when not high." Cas breaks down laughing again, this time at his own cleverness. Why doesn't Dean laugh, it was a great joke! Dean lets go of him with a little more force than necessary, sending Cas crashing back into the snow.

"When you've sobered up, we need to talk, ok?" Dean leaves them lying in the snow. Cas holds his breath for a moment, knowing he's in trouble, but then he starts laughing again. Emma rolls closer to him.

"You in trouble?" Cas nods.

"Yeah. Doesn't matter though." He smiles, drawing her close.

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

The next morning, however, Cas gets nervous. He gets up without waking Emma, dresses quietly and goes to knock at Dean's door. Dean lets him in, handing him a glass of whiskey, despite it just being morning.

"Cas…" Cas had expected anger, but Dean just looks _tired_. "Cas, what the hell, you becoming some fucking hippie? What's with the drugs?" Cas swirls the whiskey in the glass, then holds it up.

"Why's it different from this? I have this under control, Dean. Just like you and alcohol. So what's the difference?" Dean sighs, downing his own whiskey. He puts the glass on the table and rubs his face, looking so tired and spent that Cas feels his heart twinge for his friend. He feels guilty over hardly talking to Dean, caring more about the drugs than his friend, when he needs a friend the most.

"It's… Cas, it just is. Is… is it more than just pot?" Cas contemplates lying, but knows that Dean would see right through it.

"Yes."

"Damn." Dean sits down on the edge of the table, refilling his glass. He looks up. "I'm sorry about what happened to Kelly, Cas. I haven't said it, but I am. You looked… happy with her." Cas nods, a lump in his throat preventing him from saying anything. He downs his whiskey.

"Thank you", he croaks. Dean nods curtly and pushes himself off the table.

"It's Emma, right? She got you started." Cas meets his gaze and nods. Dean sighs again. "Well, the two of you are done. _Now_." Cas almost laughs. It's too late to _save_ him that way; he's the one who's been supplying the most. However, he just looks away. He still has his stash; he doesn't mind 'being done' with Emma much. There are other pretty women in the camp, and he knows some have been eyeing him with interest, though Emma has stopped him from returning it.

"Okay." Dean lifts an eyebrow.

"Okay? That's what you have to say?" Cas just shrugs. Dean sighs again, he does that a lot, Cas notes absentmindedly. "Alright. Just… Cas, please. Don't do this. I – I don't want to lose you too." Cas feels ashamed, can't bring himself to meet Dean's eyes.

"I miss you", he says, then he turns around and leaves, because he doesn't know what else to do, doesn't know how to mend the rift that's all too obvious between them.

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

He simply tells Emma to get out when he gets back to the cabin. He says that Dean ordered it, and here, Dean is their leader. Emma stares at him like he's crazy and asks why they can't simply ignore Dean's 'command'. Cas just says that he will obey Dean and stay away from her, and Emma's eyes get hard and angry.

"Give me my share and I'll leave." Cas sighs; he knew it'd come to this. He digs up a bottle of oxy and gives it to her. "That's all?"

"You can get your own on the next raid." Her eyes narrow.

"Fine." She leaves without a goodbye, and Cas almost feels relieved. The only reason he had stuck with Emma was the drugs she could get for them, not because he liked her much. He digs into his stash again, dry swallowing two Vicodin. He wants the numbness the opiates bring, wants to stop caring, wants to forget the guilt and shame at the tired, worn out look in Dean's eyes, the way his shoulders slumped.

Soon he feels the pills kick in, and the relief they bring. He doesn't understand why Dean promptly wants him to stop, it makes him feel better, it makes him function reasonably well. It can't be that bad, right?

**You know what I want, right? You guys who review are awesome!**


	10. Threesome

**Here's some more, though short this time. Still, enjoy!**

After two nights alone, Cas feels that it's time he pays some attention to the other women in the camp. And he's lucky, a few days later it's somebody's birthday, and someone decides to throw a party. With alcohol, and the women in their best (sexiest) clothing.

Cas pre-parties with some amphetamines, so he gets drunk more quickly then usual. However, he's learnt when it's time to at least take a break from the drinking, and instead he pays attention to the ladies with the low-cutest clothing. He sees Emma, but they mutually pretend not to see the other.

And after less than two hours, he has one young woman on each arm, competing for his attention. They're both tipsy, and Cas can't decide which one he wants the most, since both are pretty and seem very eager to be the one to win him for the night.

In the end, he suggests that all three of them retire to his cabin. They giggle and say that it sounds like an excellent idea.

They pull the mattress to the floor and spread the cover and the extra blanket next to it. It's a bit awkward at first; all of them new to this, but Cas instantly discovers why so many men speak of two women together as the sexiest thing ever.

He doesn't remember their names, but soon they're undressed, trying to give each other equal attention. While the two women kiss, Cas explores their bodies, kissing and touching theirs breasts, their abdomens…

After a while they discover that if Cas fucks one of them, she can in turn go down on the other, and they take turns with this arrangement.

After some hours, the all fall asleep in a tangled heap of arms and legs, with Cas in the middle.

**I hope you liked it!**


	11. Acid

**Sorry about no updates, I've been really, really busy. But well, here's some more of our beloved angel's descent from being Castiel, Angel of the Lord, to Cas á la 2014.**

**Enjoy!**

Their names are Ellie and Linda, and after a week it's clear to all of them that all they'll share is causal sex, but that all of them enjoys it, and see no reason to stop. He shares his pills with them a few times, but not often, because even though they enjoy it on occasion, they don't seem to think it the only thing that makes life bearable, and Cas needs to be careful not to run out too early. They times he does are… unpleasant, to say the least.

So mostly, he's just high alone. He's even high on raids now, though he's always careful not to let Dean notice.

Between November and Christmas, not much happens really. Cas settles into the routine of being high, fucking someone, mostly Linda and/or Ellie, but occasionally someone else too, and smuggling drugs into the camp without Dean discovering him. He doesn't speak much to Dean, but tries to stay out of his way to be able to continue his habits undisturbed.

Just before Christmas though, they're on a raid, and they get ambushed by demons. Cas ends up fighting back to back with Emma, he's not sure how, he's too busy just trying to _survive_, chanting an Enochian exorcism over and over, terrified when he doesn't remember everything at the first tries.

Somehow, she ends up dead, and he not. He's got a few scratches and bruises, but nothing dangerous. Emma lies dead on the ground behind him, her temple busted in and blood running all over her face.

If Cas hadn't been high, he might have cared more, but he doubts it. If he hadn't been high, maybe he wouldn't have searched her clothes for drugs, but what does it really matter? She's dead, a waste to burn her with something good on her. He already knows he's going to loot her cabin sometime in the night.

What he finds matches what she described as "acid blotters". She was never able to get hold of any while they were… together, but apparently she did later. And Cas can't see any reason why he shouldn't take it.

He tucks it into his own jacket, then picks Emma's body up and carries it back to the cars, where the fighting just seems to have died down. Dean silently gestures to one of trucks where he can dispose the body. Cas sees that they lost two other hunters that day, too.

As he drives back to the camp, he thinks about how the Enochian words didn't come as naturally as they used to. That he had to struggle to remember the words. He's known that he's human for quite a while, over eight months, and his lack of angelic abilities is always painfully obvious, but he has never considered losing his _knowledge_ as well. That he's starting to forget creates a cold lump of fear in him, and he starts listing all the prophets from the dawn of time in his head.

He feels slightly sick when he realizes he can't remember them all.

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

He takes acid for the first time of Christmas Eve. Most of the people in the camp are spending the evening together, trying to work up a little bit of Christmas spirit before tomorrow, but Cas can't be bothered. He wonders why they should celebrate the birth of Christ now anyway, especially on the completely wrong date.

He resolutely pushes everything similar out of his mind, lighting some candles while waiting for the acid to kick it.

When it does, he almost believes he's found Heaven again. The beauty of everything… the colours, the way everything moves just a little, how it all _feels_… he lies back on his bed, slowly stroking the blanket and thinking about… everything. Only in new, better ways.

He never, ever wants that feeling to go away.

**Please review! I will attempt to update tomorrow.**


	12. Bad trip

**Well. Drug use and angst. Enjoy the read!**

On New Years Eve, Cas experiences his first bad trip. He curls up in the corner of his cabin, and it feels like the walls are closing in on him.

It started out all fine, and Cas felt just fine. But when he sits at the window, watching the snow fall slowly, it looks so beautiful and perfect, and he starts contemplating perfection while absentmindedly breathing on the window and drawing in the condensation.

He draws an Enochian symbol, one that God had branded into the bones of every human before the Great Flood, meaning 'perfection', since the humans were… perfect. Though they weren't, Cas knew that before, when he was still an angel, and he knows it even more now.

_You're just one of the pathetic… maggots now. Useless, no, worse than useless, just…_ pathetic_!_

He buries his face in his arms, making himself as small as possible, a fear of something he can't define holding him in an iron grip. All thoughts he's been trying so hard to hold back, to push deep, deep down, wells up, all the hurt and sorrow over the angels leaving him behind fills him to it feels like he'll explode.

_I should've been better, I should've stuck to being that good, obedient soldier, I shouldn't have rebelled, I don't want to be here, I wish I was still an angel, in Heaven now, with no care about the Earth! I don't want to be here!_

The walls are flowing rivers of blood, and slowly they're caving in on him, he can see them come closer, the floor is all wavy and turning red, like it's blood too.

"No!" He shrinks further back against the wall, rocking back and forth with his eyes closed.

"Cas! What the hell?" Cas screams and flings himself away from the hand on his shoulder, because the face is all… it's not Dean, it's the being he pulled from Hell, the one teetering on the edge of becoming a demon, his face all twisted and eyes blackening around the edges.

"You – you –"

"Cas, easy, it's me, Dean."

_You're becoming a demon! _he wans to scream, but his throat has closed up, and he can't form any words anymore. It feels like he's falling down into a bottomless pit of fear and blood and darkness and regret.

"Cas! Hey, it's me, look at me, _Cas_!"

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

A few forevers later, the world returns to normal, though Cas is little more than a shaking hyperventilating heap on the bed by then, with eyes red and raw from crying.

And Dean is royally pissed. Before the trip ended, he spent hours preventing Cas from hurting himself, or run away, trying to calm him down. Now, when Cas seems to be getting a little bit better grip on reality, the anger bubbles up.

"Cas, what the hell! Acid? Are you _stupid_?" Cas can't meet his eyes, all he wants is for Dean to leave so he can dig out something, anything, from his stash, just _anything_ will do. "Cas!" Dean takes hold of his shoulders, shakes him a little. "I've let you be, so far. I've seen more than you think, but I didn't say anything. But this, Cas, seriously? I won't have it, ok?"

"The acid?"

"All of it! You're coming clean, _now_, Cas!" Cas looked up, meeting Dean's gaze.

"Why?"

"Because it's bad for you! You can't go on like this, being high all the time! When were you sober for a full day last time?" Cas thinks, tries to remember.

"I – I don't know", he says, turning his head away. He rolls his shoulder, trying to relax. Things have stopped moving, and the colours are back to normal. All that's left is a fading sense of anxiety and terror, and Dean isn't exactly helping. "Why does it matter, Dean?"

"Because all you do now is destroy everything for yourself! You can't go on like this, man!"

**Please review?**


	13. Intervention by Dean

**Cas is an idiot. But, well, we already know that from 5.04, and we still love him, right? And Dean's idea of an intervention is very… Dean.**

Dean searched the cabin and took every thing he found with him as he left. A few minutes later he came back and slammed a fifth of whiskey onto the table.

"I don't want to see you near anything other than that for two days, get it?" Cas doesn't move from his place on the bed, just stares at Dean with hard, unfriendly eyes. Dean rubs his face and drags his hands through his hair. "Cas, please…" He sits down with a frustrated sigh, unscrewing the bottle's cap and takes a generous mouthful. Cas holds out a hand and Dean hands him the bottle. "Cas…"

"It's the only thing that makes being… _human_ bearable." Dean closes his eyes for a moment and Cas drinks, welcoming the burn.

"Cas, please, don't do it. It's – it's bad, it's really bad. I don't want to see you go down that road."

"What road?"

"I saw it once with Sammy and the demon blood, and – and –" His voice breaks a little and he looks everywhere but at Cas. Then he slams a fist into the table. "Damnit, Cas, just – just trust me! I can't watch this happen to you, please. I lost Sammy already, I – I don't want to lose you too." Cas takes another drink. He hadn't drawn the parallel between what he's doing and Sam's demon blood addiction. Suddenly Dean's opposition to it made more sense.

"Dean, it's not the same. The demon blood made him evil, but this makes me _function_." He rose. "I'm useless enough as it is, without my powers", his voice rose to a shout, "do I really have to be miserable as well? I'm coping, Dean, not going dark side!"

"You call this _coping_? Please, Cas, don't… please. I'm begging you, man, don't do this to yourself." Dean sighs and gets up, retrieves the bottle from Cas and takes a big sip. Cas' eyes widens when he sees how much of the bottle is already gone, and that some of it's gone into Dean. Dean puts it back on the table. "Just, please, Cas. Please. Don't do this." Then he leaves, and Cas drops back onto the bed.

He runs the places where he usually keeps the drugs through his head, and realizes with increasing panic that Dean seemed to have found everything. He grabbed the whiskey bottle and drank more, then realizing that less than half was left.

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

Slowly, his body starts realizing he hadn't been feeding it the usual drugs. Then he runs out of whiskey too.

He has experienced this before, of course, when he for some reason ran out of drugs earlier than expected, but it's just as unpleasant as before.

He tries to avoid thinking about how miserable he is feeling by contemplating ways he can get hold of anything, but when he comes up with nothing, since he's fairly sure that Dean's increased the security on the camp's medicine stash, he gives up and buries his face in the pillow, attempting to stop breathing until he pukes again.

Why can't Dean just _understand_ that he needs the drugs?

**Review?**


	14. The Trenchcoat

**Sleepless nights give you more chapters…**

He tries sneaking into the medicine stash of the camp, but finds out he's right – the lock is changed for a much bigger, harder one to pick. And he's into much hurry to manage to work on it properly, however desperate he is he can't allow Dean to catch him there.

He also tears the cabin apart; looking for _anything_ Dean might have missed, though he knows it's pretty much hopeless.

And he's right. Dean was thorough, leaving nothing. Cas finds something though, on the third drug free day, while tearing out everything in the closet.

Crumpled against the wall, he finds Jimmy's old trench coat all dirty and torn in places, now all wrinkly after the months in the closet. He pulls it out, feeling the familiar fabric in his hands.

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

_He takes it off the first evening after moving to Camp Chitaqua, and hangs it over the back of a chair, as usual. He's gotten so used to taking it on and off during the last weeks, that he hardly thinks about it anymore._

_The next morning, however, he just looks at it. So many memories are tied to that coat; he's worn it every day for over a year now. He bundles it up and throws it into the back of the closet._

_That coat belonged to Castiel, the angel, not him. He's not that 'holy tax accountant' anymore. Hell, it didn't really even belong to Castiel; it belonged to Jimmy… who's now… Cas pushes all thoughts of Jimmy away. He doesn't know exactly whatever happened to Jimmy, or exactly when he stopped sensing him, and he's completely sure he doesn't want to know._

_He slams the closet door shut; memories and thoughts just hurting too damn much._

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

He almost forgets how bad he feels physically as the memories wash over him, opening the deep, black hole that the drugs and now the withdrawal has been, at least partially, closing up.

He feels his stomach turn, but he hasn't eaten for two days and he ran out of booze _again_ a few hours ago. He swallows hard and realizes he's sitting on the floor, without any idea of how it happened.

He clenches his fists, still holding the coat, not knowing what to do. There is no other object that is so strongly associated with his time as an angel. Of course Dean is also a reminder, but he's changed alongside Cas, whereas the coat is just the _fucking same_!

He clambers to his feet, grabs a lighter from a drawer and goes outside. He clears a spot in the snow and throws the coat down and spends the next minutes trying to get it to burn.

This time he can't push the thoughts of Jimmy away. What happened to him? Cas isn't sure if he felt him after he was resurrected, and if he did, it was only a brief flickering presence. And honestly Cas hopes he was gone after Raphael exploded them, because if he was somehow resurrected together with Cas, Cas _really_ doesn't want to know what happened to him when the angels left. He doesn't believe that anybody knows what happens if an angel is possessing a vessel when they fall.

However, he doesn't believe there is anything of Jimmy left in him. Jimmy wouldn't do the things Cas does, that he's sure of.

He remembers Jimmy's face when he told Castiel to take him instead of Claire, how he begged for that fate to save his daughter. Cas is pretty sure that whatever he thought he signed up for wasn't this.

He sits on the ground with his arms around his knees, watching the coat burn and thinking about what might have happened to Jimmy.

Best-case scenario, Jimmy simply died along with Castiel at Chuck's house, and went to Heaven when Castiel was sent back to Earth. That's not too bad a fate, clearly better than what's probably going to happen to Cas when he eventually dies. He laughs bitterly at that thought. The formerly righteous, stick-up-the-ass angel, now a fallen, miserable, pathetic, _human_ drug user, who's probably not going to Heaven when he dies.

The worse scenario for Jimmy though… is being resurrected along with Castiel, and when Cas' grace… disappeared, Jimmy was somehow pushed away into nothingness. Because since he didn't _die_, he can't go to Heaven, and a human body can only hold one human consciousness. And since Cas was the dominant presence when the angels left, Jimmy was the one that had to yield.

Exactly what happened to him, Cas hopes he'll never find out, in case it'd happen to be option number two.

Cas hugs himself, wondering however everything came to this. How _he_ came to this. He wishes he were high. Or drunk, not just slightly tipsy, teetering on the edge of complete sobriety. But preferably high. Always preferably high.

Finally the trench coat is reduced to a heap of ash that's dancing in the wind, and it's started snowing again. Cas ignores it, despite not wearing a jacket, a little cold doesn't matter much, does it? He just hugs himself tighter, resting his head on his knees, staring at the grey and black heap that used to be the last connecting point between Castiel and Cas, and lets himself really _feel_ the pain for a moment.

He doesn't notice he's crying until the tears are going cold on his cheeks. He ignores it, can't be bothered to do anything about it, it's all pointless anyway, isn't it?

He doesn't go back inside until he's shaking all over and his fingers and toes are going numb. Then he gets up, gives the ash pile hard kick so it scatters in the wind.

He wipes the tears off his face as he enters the cabin and is hit with the now all too familiar feeling of _what am I supposed to do now_? He has no drugs, no booze, he doesn't exactly feel up to finding Ellie or Linda or some of the other girls right now. He's not good at anything except maybe on the raids, and Dean won't let him come with now. He's just a pathetic, good-for-nothing piece of ex angel.

He slams his fist into the wall. If he'd still been an angel, he would have punched right through it, but now it just hurts like hell. He closes his eyes, savouring the pain for a moment, before he punches the wall again, and again, and again.

When he finally stops, he's crying again and his knuckles are bloody and he's pretty sure he's broken, or at least fractured some of them. And it hurts, oh God, it hurts, and the adrenaline is pushing the black hole away, just a little bit.

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

Dean bandages his hand, and when Cas opens his mouth to ask for painkillers, he gives him a look that probably would exorcise a demon on the spot. Then he offers Cas a swallow from the flask he's always carrying, and Cas accepts it, because it's better than nothing, right?

"How're you holding up?" Dean asks when he takes the flask back, and Cas glares at him. Dean sighs and leaves, leaving Cas to loathe and pity himself once again, and not know what the hell to do.

**Review, please?**


	15. A Two Second Desicion

**Since we all know how Cas is in 2014, this can't be a surprise. And I never said it'd be a happy story.**

He's clean for a week. Then Dean comes to him, face looking like a thundercloud, and says he needs Cas on a supply run. Cas turns in bed, shielding his eyes from the sudden light.

"You what?" Dean glares at him.

"You heard me. So haul your ass out of bed, we're leaving in fifteen. And trust me, I'll be watching you." He leaves again, and Cas groans. His head's pounding a bit from the whiskey yesterday, and he doesn't feel like seeing people, even less like fighting croats or demons.

He drags himself out of bed though, splashes some water on his face and dresses as quickly he can manage.

Dean doesn't let him drive, instead he tells Cas that he's riding in Dean's car. Apparently he's serious about watching Cas.

They don't talk much on the way; none of them have anything to say. Dean just says where they're going and briefly explains why Cas has to come with. Apparently three of the usual raid members are in bed with a cold, and a fourth one broke his leg the last time. Therefore they were at least one hunter short, and Cas is still the best they have in reserve.

The look on Dean's face clearly states that he's not happy about it.

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

It's an almost two hour drive to the town they've decided to raid this time, and Cas spends almost the whole time staring out the window, trying to think of some way to get his hands on either drugs or a lot of alcohol. After a while he realizes there is no way he can plan anything, but will have to rely on luck.

Once there, Dean refuses to let Cas go into the pharmacy, and stays outside with him. Cas glares at him, but realizes there isn't much he can do about the situation except sulk.

Just when the others are emerging from the store, the croats come. When the fighting breaks out, Cas fights a two second inner war, shoots a croat in the head and runs for the pharmacy.

He finds the fun pills quickly, and the first thing he does is downing some morphine pills. Then he stuffs his pockets and backpack with as much as he can, before returning outside to see if they need any help.

They don't. Dean has taken a bullet to the shoulder and is grimacing in pain, but standing up when Cas exits the building. When he sees Cas, Cas sees his pained expression turning to fury, then just fade into an incredible tiredness and disgust. Dean closes his eyes for a moment and turns away. Cas feels a pang of guilt for hurting his friend this way, but then he thinks of all the pills in his backpack and pockets. And soon the morphine will kick in. He smiles.

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

He makes sure to hide the drugs better this time, and in different places around the cabin. If Dean's going to try to take it all again, he'll have to work harder on finding it all, meaning there's a bigger chance that something will be left for Cas.

His head is buzzing from the morphine, and his body is all warm and itchy in that opiatey way. It feels like Heaven, and if the itching is annoying, he can't bring himself to care. Instead he's just lying on the bed, feeling _good_, nodding off a bit occasionally. The only thing that possibly could make it better would be some pot, but it's far, far from necessary…

Dean comes after a few hours, not even bothering to knock. He sits down on the table, and Cas can see on his movement that he's been drinking.

"You left us to fight the croats so you could get your drugs." Cas doesn't bother to neither deny nor confirm it, since it's clearly not a question. Dean's tone is angry, mixed with disgust, but his eyes are mostly tired. "Can't you see how far you've gone, Cas?" Cas rolls over onto his back and closes his eyes. Dean's just going to be repeating the same old speech again, there's no point in listening. Cas doesn't agree, and isn't planning on changing anytime soon. That he left the others to fight without him was because Dean had taken his drugs away, and he had to get new, and that was his only chance, it's as simple as that. Not that they needed his help anyway, they didn't lose anybody today. "Cas!" Dean gets up, knocking over the chair in the process. Cas opens one eye.

"This is the only thing that makes me function, Dean. Just like you drink. I'm handling it, okay?" Dean shakes his head and leaves, slamming the door as hard as he can when he leaves. Cas rubs his nose to make it stop itching, smiling at nothing in particular, just because he feels so good.

**Review, please?**


	16. Stalemate

**Sorry for no updates in a while! I've been really busy, with no real time to write.**

**But, here's some!**

Dean doesn't try to take Cas' drugs again; he just refuses to look at him, even less talk to him. Cas floats around in a drugged haze and only gives it a passing thought every once in a while after passing Dean in the camp, and noticing that the hunter promptly turned away his head.

Cas gets… reacquainted with Ellie, Linda and the other girls, and enjoys not caring about anything.

He hears the talk though, how Dean's grumpier than usual, and drinks more as well, and some part of him feels a little guilty, because he suspects that it has something to do with him. But most of the time he's just high and doesn't care much about anything.

Sometimes though, he misses Dean. They used to have fun, and Cas remembers how Dean used to tease him about being a stick-up-the-ass angel of the Lord. Then he also remembers that it's mainly because of Dean he's in this situation, that Dean is the reason he Fell.

So they avoid each other, as much as they can. Dean, Cas guesses, because he can't stand the sight of Cas, and Cas avoids Dean because he doesn't particularly feel up to a Talk, that won't lead to any good for either of them.

One night, however, Cas is more wasted than usual, and loves just about everything and everyone, and sees Dean at their makeshift shooting range, firing away at the target like it's done him some serious personal insult, with his face all contorted with emotion. Cas immediately feels bad for his friend, and walks up to him.

"Dean?" Dean lowers the gun, turning around.

"Cas."

"How are you?" It's the first thing that comes to mind, though it's clear to everyone that the answer is 'not good'.

"Just peachy. What do you want?" Cas raises an eyebrow and smiles, can't hold it back.

"I just missed you." He tries to catch Dean's eyes, but the hunter determinedly looks away.

"Well, you can go do that somewhere else. I'm busy." Dean turns away, starts shooting again, though his aim isn't nearly as good as before. Cas sighs and turns away, feeling regret over the fact that Dean obviously doesn't want to speak to him anymore, and he knows it's all his fault. Though he had to, he _had_ to do what he did. He needs the drugs, and that was the only way he could get some.

He pushes that kind of thoughts to the back of his mind, turning his steps toward the cabin that Ellie and Linda shares.

**Reviews make me VERY happy!**


	17. Regret

**This chapter contains some stuff similar to some events in 5.18, though not quite the same obviously, since there is no Sam involved.**

**Prepare for angst…**

It goes on like that for another month or so, with Dean refusing to speak to Cas, except when it's necessary, like during planning sessions and similar things. Cas is happy enough that Dean lets him come on raids, though not when there's a pharmacy involved, simply because just being in the camp is incredibly boring in the long run, however high he is.

Then Cas OD's. He doesn't know himself if he actually had some suicide plan in the back of his head, or if it was a pure accident, but whichever it is, Dean finds him, and makes sure he stays alive.

Exactly what Dean wanted that day, Cas never gets to know, but the important part being that Cas feels guilty enough over making Dean so obviously worried that he promises to stick around until Dean dies.

However, he never promised anything about which state he'd be in.

Oddly enough, Dean lets him come on all the raids afterwards. When Cas joins the others in a pharmacy, immediately going to the part with the interesting pills, Dean looks away with a pained expression on his face, but doesn't say or do anything.

Cas does his best to drown the guilt and hurt he feels over it with more drugs, more alcohol, more sex, but it doesn't really work. Somehow, before this, he's always had the feeling that even though Dean is angry or disappointed in him, he still been _there_, if Cas would come to him. Now he sincerely doubt that's the case. Dean's simply given up on him. And it hurts.

And it doesn't go away. The other things he could push away, at least a little bit more, because they weren't a part of his everyday life. But he has to see Dean every day, see him avoid meeting Cas' eyes and never speak directly to him.

Cas thinks that the worst feeling of them all is the guess that Dean isn't even angry with him anymore, just disappointed. He remembers how they talked about anger and disappointment once, when Cas was still Castiel and didn't understand humans very well. It was after Dean almost said 'yes', and Cas had lost it pretty badly. It was one of the few times Dean actually opened up and talked a bit about how he felt, mainly about what Cas had done, when Dean ran away to say yes.

"_You know, when you beat me up in that alley, I could really feel all that… holy wrath. I wasn't really scared, because I didn't care whether you killed me or not, and hell, I know I deserved you being pissed at me, after what I had done. I really did." Cas met Dean's eyes, and made sure Dean didn't look away._

"_I'm sorry. I shouldn't have doubted you like that." Dean chuckled, a bitter, tired sound that made Cas hurt._

"_You should. You know, if it weren't for you, I would've done it. And I mean, I could take you being angry, I knew you had the right to be, and I hoped you'd kill me. But instead you dragged me back to Bobby's, and it looked like you'd run completely out of steam. The way you looked at me…" Dean rubbed his face, looking away. "When you beat me up, it felt like you wanted to knock some sense in to me. But then, afterwards… you didn't even want to look at me. You just looked so disappointed, so tired. And that was worse than the anger." Cas had tilted his head, confused. At the time, he didn't have enough of human emotions to completely understand what Dean was talking about._

"_Why?"_

"'_Cause when you were angry, it didn't seem like you'd given up, you know? But after… it did. And the funny thing is that it was exactly that that stopped me from saying yes. I felt I couldn't do that to you. Hell, man, you and Bobby are all I have left, and I couldn't stand going like that, with you so disappointed in me." Cas had just looked at him, caught his gaze again._

Cas wipes his face with his sleeve, trying to will the tears to stop. Now he finally understands what Dean really meant, why disappointment is worse than anger.

Dean managed to redeem himself in Cas' eyes, that time, because he didn't say 'yes' after all. However, Cas can't see any way he can possibly redeem himself in Dean's eyes. Maybe if he came clean, then maybe, but he can't. He just can't stand living sober.

He still thinks it's hypocritical of Dean to be so anti drugs, since he's drinking a lot of the time himself. But he is, and Cas doesn't know what to do.

He turns away Ellie, who wants some company, saying he doesn't feel like it tonight. He takes two Xanax, longing for the numbness of benzo. Then he lies down in bed again, staring at the ceiling. For the first time, he contemplates trying to cut down on the drugs, because then, maybe Dean would talk to him again.

He sighs, turning in bed to bury his face in the pillow. The Xanax has kicked in, and he feels all heavy and numb. It's like the feelings are still there, but he doesn't care anymore. It feels good, but not _enough_.

**So, Cas misses Dean. A lot. But, we all know this doesn't have a happy ending.**


	18. Rejection

**Well, don't have much to say. Angst, as usual.**

Cas does try to cut back a bit – less pills and more alcohol is the new formula. He even tells Dean, hoping to maybe not repair their friendship, because that's not possible, but at least get Dean to look at him without disappointment, and sometimes disgust.

"Dean." Dean turns around, meeting Cas' eyes for a second. Then he looks away again.

"Yeah?" Cas can see how he stiffens a bit, like always when Cas approaches him somehow.

"I – I miss you." Dean's face hardens.

"Well –" Dean starts turning away, and Cas grabs his arm.

"Dean, listen!" Dean jerks free from Cas' grasp, but stays, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. "I really miss you, and I'm sorry. I know I've fucked up, badly. I never wanted to hurt you, you ar – were my best friend. I'm, uh, not exactly _clean_, but I've cut back on it. I – I'll try to stay more sober. Please. Give me another chance." Dean slowly shakes his head.

"No. Cas. I can't trust you. You're gonna slip, and then, well… Just, Cas, no. Don't make this any harder, please." Cas wraps his arms around himself, like that would make some of the anxiety go away. Dean's words hurt, and he's not even particularly high, so there's nothing to take the edge off.

"Can you look me in the eye, and tell me you don't miss me at all?" Dean looks away.

"Please, don't."

"_Can you say that_?" Dean just turns around and leaves, leaving Cas standing in the knee-high snow, hugging himself and feeling more alone than ever before. Dean has truly given up on him, completely.

So Cas gives up too. Why not just bury himself in drugs and sex and alcohol? He invites a couple of girls that night, and sure, it feels good and the sight of four gorgeous women playing with each other, taking turns pleasuring him, is incredibly sexy and arousing. But still, he's distracted and can't lose himself in the orgy as usual. That he's mixed amphetamine and alcohol probably isn't helping the matter much.

**Review, please?**


	19. Bobby

**Well, here you go. Can't promise any more updates until earliest Tuesday next week, since I'm visiting my dad atm. But, here you go, it's even a long one!**

A week or so later, Bobby leaves. He says he remembers some books in his old library, and insists he goes personally. Obviously someone needs to come with, to drive and help him with the wheelchair, but when Dean volunteers Bobby refuses.

"Hell no, boy! You're needed here, you know that." Dean sighs.

"Fine. Alex, you go with him. If –" Dean takes a deep breath. "If you're not back within two days…" He stops.

"We're not coming back at all." Cas has to look away from Dean's face when Bobby says it, because the expression on his face shows all too clearly that he doesn't expect Bobby to come back.

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

And he's right. Two days pass, and there is no sign of Bobby and Alex. Dean's been distracted and wandered about the camp with an anxious expression, getting nothing done at all, and even though Cas has been worried, he's avoided approaching Dean after their last private conversation.

However, on the evening of the third day, Cas is lying on his bed, amusing himself with listing all Enochian swearwords he can remember. Ellie and Linda said they'd come over later, but they probably haven't finished eating yet, so he has some time to kill.

He sits up, startled, when someone knocks on the door. It can't be the girls, it's too early, and he doesn't exactly have, or want, a social life in the camp.

"Come in!" He stretches, almost purring with the pleasure of it. He abruptly stops when he sees who the visitor is. "Dean?" Dean closes the door behind him, standing just inside, looking uncomfortable.

"You, uh, got anything to drink?" Cas nods, getting up. He takes down a bottle of whiskey from one of the cupboards and pours two glasses.

"Here." He leans against the counter, taking a small sip from his glass. Dean knocks back all in his and holds it out for a refill. Cas raises an eyebrow but doesn't ask, already having a good idea about why. Dean swirls the whiskey around the glass, and Cas notices his eyes are a bit red.

"Bobby's not coming back." Yup, the guess had been right. Cas takes another sip.

"No." Dean empties his glass again, and Cas refills it.

"It's – hell, he's just _always_ been there. And – and…" He meets Cas' eyes for the first time in, Cas doesn't know how long anymore, and the pain he sees in those green eyes makes his heart clench with sympathy. Dean looks away, gaze wandering around the room. Cas is silent, watching him. A part of him wonders why Dean came to him, wonders if there maybe is some part of the hunter that still misses Cas.

"I know." Dean nods.

"Yeah. Yeah…"

"So, uh, are you…"

"No. He said it himself, y'know? If he's not back by now, he ain't coming back. Ever." Dean takes a deep breath through his nose, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. "First Sammy, and now…" He tries to choke a sob with dubious success, and Cas finishes his drink, putting it on the counter so he can go over to Dean, to put a hand on his shoulder.

"I know." He still wonders where he fits into this equation, if he does at all, but decides that if Dean's actually come to him, he must still mean something to the other man. He squeezes Dean's shoulder a bit. "I know." Dean nods again.

"Yeah… What am I supposed to do, Cas?" Cas pulls his hand back, biting his lip to hold back a bitter laugh. Dean is asking _him_ what to do? The days when he actually could give any advice on that are long, long over, was over long before Cas even lost his grace.

"You're asking me?" He strokes a hand through his hair, unable to hold back a both sad and bitter half-smile. "Me, Dean?" He feels angry, though he doesn't really know why. Or, he does. After what Dean's said, he's suddenly showing up here, on Cas' doorstep, expecting guidance and comfort? Has he forgotten all the shit that's gone down the past few months? "After what you've said –" He tries to stop, but he can't, all anger he's been trying to kill is welling up, provoked by Dean's grief and sudden longing for lost companionship. "– about me _not being worth saving_, how can you expect me to even want to help you?"

"You said that, Cas! Not me!" Dean shouts, his glass hitting the wall a millisecond later, shattering into a thousand pieces. Cas looks him straight in the eye.

"You agreed." His voice is calm, but he's clenching his fists as hard as he can. "You said as much. You've made pretty clear you don't want anything to do with me, so why now, Dean?"

"Fine, I'll leave!"

"No! Answer me!" Cas' voice rises to a shout as well. "Why am I suddenly good enough to come to?" Dean punches him, after looking like he's desperately searching for an answer for a second. Cas crashes into the counter, back first, but he manages to stay on his feet. His nose is bleeding. "Am I someone you can come crawling to, when you've got no one else left? To first discard, then pick up when you suddenly _need_ me again?"

"Cas… shit, man, I –" Cas wipes his nose, tasting the blood at the back of his throat.

"_What_, Dean?" He doesn't know why he keeps going, but it feels like he has to. What they shared can never, ever be repaired, so what's the point in trying to salvage the remains? "What are you trying to do? What do you want from me? I've promised I won't go anywhere, what more do you want? Or maybe you want me to leave? To go away, and never come back, so you don't have to see me again?" This time, Dean's punch sends him crashing to the floor, pain exploding in his temple. Dean lands almost on top of him, and throws another punch. Cas lies stunned for a moment, then his own fist connects with Dean's jaw. Not with anywhere near the force of Dean's, but it throws the hunter off balance enough for Cas to scramble onto his knees. "Was that all I ever was to you? Something to remember at your pleasure, to come to when _you_ feel like it, with no regard of _my_ feelings?" He pushes Dean back so he tumbles into a chair, overturning it. "Is that it? What I don't get is that I believed in you! I believed it when you said I was your friend, when you said you didn't want to lose me!"

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

Later, long after Dean left, and Cas turned away Ellie and Linda, long after his nose has stopped bleeding and his face has started bruising in a rainbow of interesting colours, he dares thinking about the things they said to each other, yelled at each other.

He's back on the bed, and he wishes the feeling of detachment was enough to deaden the pain, both physical and emotional, from the fight with Dean. He regrets the things he said, but can't see how it could have been avoided, not at this point.

This way, at least they're clear on one thing – they are _done_. Now when Cas doesn't have to wonder if they are friends or not anymore, maybe he can adapt to simply… coexist.

He covers his face with his hands, wincing when he nudges the bruises. It's not really any comfort that Dean's in exactly the same condition, on top or grieving for his surrogate father. Instead Cas just feels worse, knowing he managed to cause Dean even more pain when the hunter actually came to him, wanted his help.

He curls himself into a ball, squeezes his eyes shut and tries to remember what it felt like being an angel.

He can't.

He bites his lip hard enough to draw blood when the first tear escapes.

Why cry if you have nothing to lose?

**Well. I think this is the final breaking point.**


	20. Life

**Yes, this IS a filler, since I don't think there are many chapters left – and I need to cover a lot of unimportant time here before anything more significant happens. Next chapter will be better.**

He drinks. He gets high. He fucks women, usually more than one at the time, not uncommonly even more. And in between, he tags along on raids and missions, killing croats and stocking up on his drugs and booze.

He and Dean don't talk privately anymore, and avoids all personal contact. Cas has been reduced to just another soldier, and he tries as hard as he can to push the hurt out of his mind. Instead he tries to think of it as freedom, that now when Dean doesn't care at all, he can do anything. Except dying, one way or another. Breaking that final promise doesn't cross his mind.

In time, it gets easier, and he can look at Dean without feeling a pang of loss, especially since he now watches how Dean changes from a distance. How he grows colder, bolder. How he seems to care less about everything. Cas discovers that he doesn't like the way Dean treats people much anymore.

What he does miss is the _memory_ of Dean. The man he pulled out of Hell, the man he Fell for. But he seems to be gone, which somehow seems fitting, since there isn't much, if anything at all, left of Castiel.

He also misses having someone to call a friend. He doesn't socialize much in the camp, except with the women, whom he gets high and sleep with, not much more.

Also, who the women are varies. He can say, without exaggerating, that he's slept with almost all the women in the camp at least once, but there are only some who are perfectly content with sharing him with several others. The ones who want some kind of emotional attachment quickly leave him in search for someone better. He doesn't really mind wither way.

His life has settled into a routine, consisting of sex, drugs, and killing croats. He's good at all three, and in they usually kill the time sufficiently. When they don't, he just takes more drugs, or organizes orgies.

He's far, far from happy, but he manages. Kind of, at least.

**Please review despite boring chap? (:**


	21. Injured

**I'm guessing there are three or four chapters left, maybe as little as two.**

**Enjoy!**

Of course he doesn't get away completely uninjured all the time, but it's not until summer 2013 he gets more seriously hurt.

They're on a raid, of course, and they get jumped by some, too many, croats. Not that many, but Cas lingers just a moment too long in the liquor store, and is the last one to start running for the trucks. They're all firing their guns at the croats for all they're worth, and he's ducking to give Hal, an ex cop whom they picked up a month ago, a clean shot, when his foot gets stuck in a crack in the road, and he falls.

The pain makes him scream, and he thinks that he's done, he's going to die now. His gun is lying a few meters away from him, and when he tries to scramble to his feet, the pain gets worse, and he falls again. The croats are getting closer by the second, and he desperately tries to crawl forwards.

When he looks up, he sees Dean standing still, eyes darting between him and the croats.

"Dean!" he shouts, and Dean gives a tiny, tiny shake of his head. Then he shoots a croat straight in the face, turns and keeps running for the trucks with the others. It takes less than five seconds, and the moment Dean turns away, Cas stops fighting to move.

_I'm going to die. Dean left me. Dean's left me behind to be a croat chew toy._

He lets himself drop face-first onto the ground, an ice-cold numbness filling him, almost even drowning out the pain in his leg. He can hear the croats coming closer, and guns are still fired, but less frequently now. Cas waits for the croats to catch up with him.

When strong arms suddenly takes hold of him, he braces himself for being ripped to pieces, but instead whoever-deems-him-worthy-to-save throws Cas' arm around him shoulder and almost drags him towards the trucks, while still shooting at the croats.

When they reach the trucks, he's loaded into the backseat of one of them, and a concerned girl he's slept with a few times holds him gently, asking over and over if he's okay. He mumbles something, eyes squeezed shut from the pain, and fumbles through his pockets, searching for the bottle of painkillers he knows he brought with him. He finds them and dry swallows three, crushing them with his teeth first so they'll kick faster. The taste makes him gag, but he knows it'll be worth it soon.

"I'm okay", he chokes out, concentrating on the fact that soon, really soon, the pain will lessen.

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

Back at the camp, the camp's 'doctor', who was a nurse before the apocalypse, draws the bones straight. It's Hal who holds him down while it's done, and Cas screams, because he's never felt pain like that before. Then the foot's splinted, and Cas is hauled back to his cabin, because he doesn't really need any more immediate care.

"Eight weeks", the nurse says. "You can't use that foot for eight weeks, if you want it to heal." Then she leaves, leaving Cas on the bed.

An hour later, Dean comes by. After more than a year, they've readjusted their relationship to the extent that they can talk without any particular _tension_, but only about business, which Dean realized is necessary after a while, since even though Cas isn't an angel anymore, and more or less constantly intoxicated, he possesses knowledge surpassing a normal human.

Cas has been lying in bed, of course, trying to sleep despite the pain, and wishing for more painkillers. He can't reach the stash in the cabin, and he has no idea where his jacket is.

He looks up when Dean enters, eyes narrowing.

"What are you doing here, oh fearless leader?" He took up that nickname around half a year ago, and keeps using it mainly because it annoys Dean.

"Cas…"

"You left me to die." His voice is flat and thick with pain. Dean looks everywhere except at Cas.

"What would you have done?" Cas sighs, knowing Dean's right.

"Can you at least give me painkillers? It hurts." Dean clenches his jaw for a second.

"Where's your stash?"

"The cupboard. Take the morphine." There is a certain satisfaction in seeing Dean open the cupboard and hear him inhale sharply when he sees the amount of pill bottles, and one bag with either weed and another, smaller, with white powder.

"Here." Dean slams the orange bottle down on the nightstand, voice low and hard. Cas smirks.

"Thanks." Dean scowls at him, and leaves. Cas pops three pills, hoping they'll numb both the physical pain, and the pain that the realization that Dean really, really doesn't care anymore brings.

**Please review! Next chap will pop up at the most a day after some feedback!**


	22. Endless Days

**Here's a super short chapter, but it's still necessary. The next one will be up fairly soon, and it'll start dealing with the actual episode.**

The foot heals, but the eight weeks when he can't walk properly feels more like eight eternities than weeks. Sure, for once he can get high for a legitimate reason, and his harem in the camp still come to visit, and of course it feels good when they ride him, and there is a kind of hollow comfort in touching their soft, warm bodies. But of course it can't drown everything, and when he's alone, there is way too much time to think.

And he feels so useless, even more than usual, because usually he can at least hunt croats, but now all he does is lie there, hating himself and feeling miserable.

It's a relief when he finally can get up, and a week later he's once again included in a raiding party. It feels good to take out his frustration on croats.

And in the evening, he smokes weed with some of the girls in a home made bong, and entertains them with some crap about how sex is the key to shared perception and that it is what makes them all function. The women love it.

He has a hard time spending time with Dean though, and if Dean comes to ask him for advice on something, he makes his answers short, and makes it perfectly clear that he wants Dean out of his cabin as quickly as possible.

And in this way, time pass, endless days become endless weeks that becomes months. Cas just wishes it would end.

**Soon you'll get to meet past!Dean!**


	23. Dean

**And now we get to meet past-Dean. So, not much left. Actually just one chapter, and an epilogue, if you're interested.**

One day in the fall of 2014, Dean comes to his cabin for the first time in months. He dismisses the women and gets up, stretching.

"What are you, a hippie?" Cas stiffens for a second, because something's wrong. Dean hasn't tried to label him in God knows how long. He says as much as he turns around, and almost takes a step back when he actually looks at Dean.

"Cas, we gotta talk –"

"Woah, strange! You… are not you, not now you anyway." The man in front of him is identical to their fearless leader, that's true, but there's something fundamentally different about him, something that makes Cas' chest constrict and makes him want to cry, because he looks like the Dean he once got to know, the one he Fell for.

"No – yeah, yes, exactly!"

"What year're you from?" He knows it's before Sam said yes, because even though Dean looks worn and sad, the desperation and tiredness that came after Detroit isn't there yet. He's right, this Dean says he's form 2009, and confirms Cas' suspicion that Zachariah is behind it.

"So, why don't you strap on your angel wings and fly me back to my page of the calendar?" Cas can't help the laughter that bubbles up along with burning bitterness.

"I wish I cold, uh, _strap on my wings_, but sorry, no dice." He's so not high enough to deal with this, not by far.

"What, are you _stoned_?" The surprise and shock in past-Dean's voice almost makes him feel guilty, almost, because he remembers how Dean used to rely on him, how they once were friends, and neither could've imagined they'd end up like this. He can't see any reason to lie though, and hell, if Zach sent past-Dean here to learn a lesson, he might as well get to see just how bad it gets, for everyone.

"Generally, yeah." Past-Dean's eyes widen, and fill with emotions Cas hasn't seen in Dean's eyes for years.

"What happened to you?" For a second, Cas' mind flashes through the last five years, wondering if it was possible to pinpoint where it all went, not wrong, but utterly to shit. The most accurate answer he can give is short, however. He meets part-Dean's eyes.

"Life."

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

When Dean shows them the Colt, Cas sits with a glass of whiskey, watching past-Dean's shock at the revelation that Dean's gone back to torturing, and when past-Dean shows a glimmer of the sarcasm Castiel had such a hard time understanding, Cas can't help but laugh. He receives a glare from Dean.

"What? I like past you!" And he does. After years of a Dean who's cold and doesn't care, meeting past-Dean is… he can't define exactly what he feels, because it's such a mix of good and bad, all slightly numbed by drugs and alcohol. But of course he likes past-Dean, he always liked past-Dean, although he only existed in Cas' memories until now. Then Dean shows them where Lucifer is.

"Oh, good, right in the middle of a hot zone." Dean glares at him, but admits that the place is crawling with croats.

"You saying my plan is reckless?" Cas almost laughs, everything Dean's done lately has been pretty reckless.

"You say we walk straight up the driveway, past all the demons and the croats, and shoot the devil?"

"Yeah." Cas knows Dean's lying, then. He knows that Dean's fully aware that it's an impossible plan, and there is no way in Hell he'll go through with it. Not in that way, at least. With complete certainty, Cas knows it'll be his last mission, and that Deans knows it too. Something almost like relief flows through him.

"Okay, if you don't like reckless, I could use insouciant, maybe." Because Dean really doesn't care anymore. Not at all. He receives another glare from Dean.

"Are you coming?" Like there was ever any doubt. Cas almost laughs.

"Of course."

**Review, please!**


	24. The End

**And here comes the last chapter. Sorry for the wait, there's been a lot going on IRL lately. But, I hope you like this one!**

Cas is the one to drive past-Dean towards the end. Of course, past-Dean can't avoid asking about what the hell's happened to him, he who's still an angel of the Lord, although cut off from Heaven, in past-Dean's year. He pops a few pills instead of answering, and past-Dean's eyes flashes with pain and _pity_. And of course he has to ask again. Cas can't decide if he wants to laugh or cry when he tells past-Dean that he's not an angel anymore, just pretty much an ordinary mortal now.

"-I'm hapless, I'm hopeless, so why the hell not bury myself in women and decadence, right? It's the end, baby, that's what decadence is for! So why not bang a few gongs before the lights go out!" He smiles, though he knows the bitterness in both his voice and smile is impossible for past-Dean to miss. "But that's just how I roll."

They drive in silence for a while, Cas too lost in thoughts, memories, to feel like talking much. Past-Dean is quiet too, also seeming lost in thought.

"Cas…" he finally says. "Cas, what happened? I mean, seriously." Cas closes his eyes for a moment, cursing Zachariah, cursing Heaven, cursing God, for making all this happen. He doesn't want to think about it. He reaches for the pill bottle, but past-Dean snatches it out of his hand. "Cas!"

"I already told you. Life happened to me. Normal, ordinary, fucking human life. In the middle of the apocalypse." He tries to stop himself before the words he's thinking spills out, but he finds he can't. Maybe, maybe he can change the course of events, he should take the chance. He takes a deep breath. "Dean, you saw, uh, now-Dean. All this started when we became friends, when I rebelled against Heaven for you." Past-Dean flinches. Cas snatches the pill bottle out of his hand, and dry swallows one before past-Dean has the chance to react. Cas keeps his eyes on the road as he continues. "When you get back… tell Cas_tiel_…" He grips the steering wheel hard enough for his knuckles to go white. "Tell him to leave. Tell him to go back to Bible camp, tell him to become that good little soldier again." He refuses to turn and see the shocked and hurt expression he's certain has appeared on past-Dean's face.

"I –"

"I don't know how much you can change anything, unless you say yes to Michael. Which you won't, if I knew you at all back then. But this, maybe, maybe you can change this. I don't want… me to end up like this."

"But –" From the corner of his eye, Cas can see past-Dean trying to catch his eye, but he just keeps staring on the road. It's dark, and there's no sense in getting them both killed on the way to a certain death for at least one of them, right? Cas bites his lip for a moment, and his eyes flicker in the direction of past-Dean.

"Dean", he says, and suddenly he wonders how many times he's said that name, in how many different ways. "I mean it. I'd be better off if I'd never met you." Past-Dean turns away, stares out the window, and Cas wishes the amphetamines would kick in. Past-Dean is just so… he doesn't know how to describe it. Saying this to him hurts more than Cas thought it would, because Dean already left him for dead once, and now… now he's sending him off on a mission he knows will get all the raid members killed.

But this is past-Dean, who can still change things, make different choices. It's Castiel's Dean, this is still the man he pulled out of Hell so long ago. A Dean that still cares, and Cas doesn't know how to feel about that, since Dean stopped giving a fuck about him so long ago. He just wishes it'll turn out differently in past-Dean's timeline.

~SPN~SPN~SPN~

They arrive at Jackson County Sanatorium, and Cas knows that every step is brining him closer to his death, but he simply can't bring himself to care. Finally, _finally_ it'll be over.

When past-Dean pulls Dean aside, and Dean returns alone, looking pissed but not the slightest bit guilty, Cas meets his eyes for a moment. For the last time, he thinks. The contact lasts only for a second, neither of them having anything to say to the other.

When they go in, Cas doesn't even look after him when Dean leaves them to go in another way. Instead, he grips his gun tighter and keeps walking.

The fighting starts almost the second they're inside the doors. The others fight desperately, to give their fearless leader a chance, but Cas fires almost blindly, shouting a Latin exorcism, just waiting for the moment it'll all be over. All he can think is that he wants to take as many croats and demons with him as possible.

He has no idea of how long has passed when he feels a knife sink into his back, then twist around. He drops the gun, falls to his knees, then forwards. He barely registers shattered glass from the windows cutting into his hands. He almost welcomes all the pain, because he knows it means the end is coming.

The last thing he sees is Risa getting her neck broken by a demon, and then be thrown to the floor like a discarded ragdoll.

Everything's blurry, and Cas closes his eyes, simply waiting.

_Finally._

**~THE END~**

**Well, as I've told you, I can write an epilogue set in '09.**

**Otherwise, what did you think?**


	25. Epilouge  2009

**Well, here is the final part, set in 2009, Dean's POV. Not sure I'm very happy with it, but here you go.**

"Don't ever change", is all Dean can think of saying to Castiel when he returns. Then again, his most pressing concern at that moment is to get hold of Sam, fix that part as fast as he possibly can. He can deal with the angel later.

When later comes, and they've bought some hamburgers and beer at a roadside diner, and then drove a little further until they found an abandoned rest-stop, Dean wonders what to say. Castiel is eyeing the hamburger almost suspiciously, and Dean knows he doesn't need food, but convinced him to try anyway, because they're supposed to be the best in the state!

What Cas, future-Cas, told him in the car keeps running through is his head, like a broken record.

_Tell him to leave. Tell him to go back to Bible camp, tell him to become that good little soldier again._

And then,

_I'd be better off if I'd never met you._

Dean looks at the angel in front of him, who's apparently decided he does like hamburgers, wonders how he could ever transform into… that man, the broken, hopeless drug addict from 2014.

"Don't ever change", he says again, and Castiel swallows the last mouthful of his hamburger.

"What do you mean by that, Dean?" And the words come pouring out; he tells Castiel everything that happened in the future, everything about his future self, everything about the future _Cas_. Castiel listens with his head slightly tilted, and Dean is desperate to make the angel understand why he can never, ever change.

"Please never become… like that, Cas, please. Promise me you won't." Blue eyes meet green, and Dean once again feel a flood of relief when the angel's eyes are clear, not clouded by a haze of drugs, nor dead and cold and hopeless.

"I promise, Dean."

"You know what he told me, Cas? He – he told me he'd been better off if we'd never met. And that I should tell you to, uh, go back to Bible camp, and become that good little soldier again."

"Why?"

"Because… it wasn't worth it." Dean takes a sip of his beer. "I won't let that happen to you", he vows to the angel. "I won't let you become that. I'm not gonna let Sammy go dark side, and I'm not going to let myself end up like that cold dick, and I'm not letting you change." He holds Castiel's gaze, and a small smile appears on the angel's mouth. A smile that is so Castiel, and nothing at all like the bitter, drugged, too wide smile of Cas, that Dean can't help smiling back, despite everything.

**I'll be damned, but the end wasn't all angst. I hope you like it anyway!**

**You are very welcome to drop one final review!**


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